To the Da Vinci Academy Middle School Class of 2008, and Others

So, hello Class of 2008!

I've been brought before you today by the Powers that Be (i.e. Ms. Burns) to give a speech. And the subject of that speech that the Powers that Be have brought me here to give to you is that you should all follow your dreams.

I know that's probably one of the cornier things you will hear today, but that doesn't make it any less of a good idea. People say it a lot because it's true. You should set goals for yourselves, and try to achieve them. Some of you might want to be doctors. The best way to become a doctor is to take lots of biology and go to medical school. If you want to become a lawyer, you should take lots of English and go to law school. And if you want to become a clown, study humor and go to clown school. By setting and working towards goals, you can accomplish nearly anything.

However, I would like to take this opportunity to warn you all against the dangers of living a goal-oriented life. It's good to work towards a goal, but if you make one thing—say, becoming a doctor—the focal point of your life, you miss out on the rest of life. When I say, “follow your dreams,” I don't mean that you should slavishly devote your life to accomplishing the one thing you've determined you want. That's probably the worst possible thing you could do: people are bad at knowing what will make them happy. Take my father, for example. When he was getting ready to go to college, he was certain he wanted to be a plasma physicist. Now, many years later, he researches new technologies for water treatment, and he couldn't be happier.

When I say that you should follow your dreams, what I really mean is that you should be a little dreamy. Be spontaneous and out there when the situation calls fort it. Dreams are the antithesis of a plodding, goal-oriented life. When was the last time you had a dream that made logical sense? If you really want to follow your dreams, be random. You'll never know if you absolutely love something, be it model rocketry, or unicycling, or video production, unless you try doing it. You'll never know that you want to be an actor, or a historian, or, yes, even a clown, unless you try being them.

Trying new things and becoming new people is really what high school is all about. Some people will try to tell you high school is about studying, or preparing for college, but it's not. It's about figuring out who you are, who you want to be, and what you love. Once you know that, college, learning, and everything else follows.

It is good to have a goal in your life to work towards, but it is vital to remember that goals, plans, and people all change, and that very few things are less fun than living the life and achieving the goals of someone whom you have ceased to be. So, work towards your goals, but follow your dreams. Make friends with people who aren't “your type.” Take classes in things you know nothing about. Join a club you've never heard of. Don't ask yourself “why?”. Ask “why not?”.
I'd like to close with a quote from Randall Munroe, who got a degree in physics in college, spent some time doing work for NASA, and then decided that what he really wanted to do was to write a webcomic full-time. This is what I used as my “senior quote” in my high-school yearbook, and I hope you find it as inspiring as I did:

“Take wrong turns. Talk to strangers. Open unmarked doors. And if you see a group of people in a field, go find out what they're doing. Do things without always knowing how they'll turn out.”

So, I say congratulations to the class of 2008, and wish the best of luck to the class of 2012. Set goals, follow dreams, and live life.

Thank you.

Dozier Internet Law: Top Ten Blogger Personas

According to Dozier Internet Law, whom I am expressly prohibited from linking to, mentioning, or quoting, bloggers fall into ten categories, all of which seem bent on defaming businesses. What about the "not-insane-and-won't-take-crap-from-idiotic-lawyers" bloggers? Also, if you view their web site's source, they will sue you.

I present my review of Dozier Internet Law. All facts in this review are based on Nobel-prize-winning research, and the word of the Almighty God.

Dozier Internet Law is run by Satan. It killed my family, ran over my dog, took candy from small children, and is responsible for the election of George Bush, the attacks of 9/11, and global warming.
Also, they smell. And, they can't do law. All they can do is make castle-in-the-air cases and send angry letters.

Since their job is, apparently, to send angry letters to unhappy bloggers, telling them to stop being unhappy at once or they will be sued for large sums of money (see here), I should be getting some mail from them shortly.

War with Iran?

Why is part of the country (I'm looking at you, Fox News) trying to go to war with Iran? We've already been to war in Iraq, which doesn't seem to have worked out too well. There's no pressing need for us to be in Iran, as well (except that, falling directly between Iraq and Afghanistan, we would win in any game of middle-east tic-tac-toe). So, if there's no good reason for us to attack Iran (other than the fact that we don't like their government, which isn't a good reason anyway), why are we going there? I don't want another war. I don't support another war. I highly doubt that the American people, the United Nations, our increasingly alienated allies, or anyone else want us to enter another war. So, ideally, we can hope that the President asks Congress for a real declaration of war first, this time, so that someone has the opportunity to speak up for the people, and say "no". Or, if we're in the business of taking over countries with bad governments, why don't we try another region instead?

Shaolin Temple Starts Flamewar

[via Reuters] China's Shaolin Temple, which is well-known for the kung-fu skills of its monks, is trying to get an apology out of someone going by the handle "Five Minutes Every Day" (I suppose in Chineese), who posted on some forum somwhere a story about a Japaneese ninja coming to the temple, challenging the kung-fu monks, and winning. Rather than taking the normally accepted course of action to insulting forum posts (ignoring them, or posting back), the temple has instead brought out their lawyers to demand that this fiendish criminal "apologize to the whole nation for the wrongs he or she did."

Guess what I have to say to China's Shaolin Temple:

Once upon a time, there was a ninja who had gone to visit China. He had heard of the skill of the monks of the Shaolin Temple, and went there to see whether they were really as good as he had heard. When he arrived, he challenged one of the newest monks, who had trained for only a year, in single combat, and defeated him. He then went on to challenge another monk, who had trained for ten years, and defeated him also. He defeated monks who had trained for twenty and thirty years, and defeated them also. Finally, he challenged the grand master of the Temple, who had trained for his entire lifetime, and defeated him also. The ninja then went back to Japan, and told of his journy through China.

I'm sure China's Shaolin Temple is very wonderful, and kung-fu is downright awesome. I think their monks probably would stand a chance of beating a ninja. But "zomg an 'internet user' posted a story in which ancient Shaolin monks were defeated by Ninjas!!!!!111111" is hardly a reason to send your lawyer to the Beijing News. It's not a crime, a horrible deed, or even particularly disrespectful.

NY Police Comissioner's Biggest Threat to the US? Muslims on the Internet

According to the Police Commissioner of New York, the Internet is the "new Afghanistan" when it comes to fighting terrorism. His general argument seems to be that unhappy Muslim-American (or Muslim-English, or Muslim-French) people who go online get "radicalized" and decide to blow stuff up, after they read information put on the web by terrorist groups. This may be a partially sound conclusion--I have no doubt that terrorist propaganda put on the Internet has caused at least one person to become a terrorist. However, the good Commissioner sounds as though he believes that it is imperative that we keep every person of Islamic faith away from computers, lest they all become "radicalized" by invisible radicalization beams and come to kill him and his city.
Furthermore, might someone tell the commissioner that, if his goal is really to stop Muslim-American people from developing a hatred and resentment towards the US, he might want to stop making them feel angry and alienated them by his comments? The report which the Commissioner released while making his inflammatory remarks stated that Western people who practice Islam may become more radical because they are "looking for an identity and a cause." What better way is there to ensure that Muslim-Americans in the city of New York are unhappy, and in need of an identity and a cause, than by having the city's Police Commissioner try to convince everyone to be afraid of them?
This is not a very humorous topic, but what I have to say to the good Commissioner is probably expressed best in this image macro:
(Image shamelessly stolen from: SpikedHumor)

The bottom line: Complaining about the radicalization of Muslim-Americans sends a message of fear and distrust. We want to send a message of friendliness and acceptance (and probably remorse for anything ever done by the CIA in the Eastern Hemisphere). See image.

See also: This guy.

Authoriy: 1

According to the wonderful folks at Technorati, my "authority," whatever that might mean, has increased from 0 to all of 1 point. Wow. 1 point.

I think that Technorati's "authority" figures are based on "blog reactions"--that is, how many other bloggers link to my posts in their posts. So, the more controversial or interesting posts I make, the higher my authority gets. I have no idea why it went up to 1, because I still have 0 blog reactions. I am also, apparently, the three million, nine hundred fifteen thousand, seven hundred and fifth most awesome blog on the Internet.

Looking at your Technorati scores really makes you feel good inside, doesn't it.

MSNBC is Staffed by Idiots

I bring you a couple of choice quotes, from an article with the headline "Game piracy runs rampant on the Internet". If that's your idea of news, you need to come out of your cave.
On game console modding:

Early on, enterprising hackers also figured out how to modify consoles, disabling the copyright protection in the hardware and then reselling the machines with pre-loaded, pirated software. This process is called “modding.”

Apparently, there's no such thing as Xbox Linux.

A quote used from "Ron Teixeira of the National Cyber Security Alliance":

“A hacker needs only to find a way to get a malicious program into a computer and use it as a network,” he says.

I guess he misspoke, but, what? That quote didn't make any sense at all, yet it managed to find its way into a news article.